Why is it so hard to ask for help?
Yesterday I needed an ingredient for a recipe I want to try. I had never bought this ingredient before (gochujang paste if you’re wondering) so didn’t know exactly what I was looking for as I scoured the aisles of our local Asian Supermarket. I found it and emerged triumphant, to find a friend on her way to school pick up. We chatted about our days and I joked that I was ending on a high because I had “found the gochujang paste all by myself, because, you know, asking for help is unbearable.” We laughed and parted ways, but my quip stayed in my mind for the rest of the day.
Why IS asking for help unbearable?
Asking for help is not something that comes easy to me, and yet when I do put my hand up I find the people around me are delighted to provide assistance. I love helping people - not just my clients, but my friends and family. Just say the word and I’ll move heaven and earth to try and be of service - it’s my love language. And even knowing how much pleasure I get from helping others, I am still reluctant to ask for help - it feels like I’m a burden, or an inconvenience. Perhaps an admission that in some way I am not good enough if I cannot manage everything on my own?
I realise as I’m typing this how ridiculous it sounds, and yet that is what my brain believes on some level. So my goal is chip away, a little bit at a time, at this belief that serves me in no way whatsoever. Next time I need to ask for help, I’m going to try and coach myself through my reluctance by asking the following questions:
Is this an unreasonable request?
Everyone is different, but I think there are some baseline understandings of reasonable". “Could you please help me find this ingredient in your shop?” is reasonable! “I like your shoes and want them, can you give them to me?” is not reasonable. Most requests for help that I would make would be reasonable.
What is the benefit to me of receiving help?
Will I feel less stressed? Be able to do something faster, or without hurting myself? If these benefits outweigh the mortification of asking for help, then it’s obvious that what I need to do.
What if they say no?
This question is about imagining the worst case scenario. Will they shout at me? Make fun of me? Give me a wedgie? Stop caring for me? The answer to all of the above is probably not.
If I can do a quick mental whip through of these questions and reassure myself with the answers, I think I’ll feel braver about asking for help. Practise makes perfect, so I’ve made a quick list of low-risk scenarios where I can practise receiving help. If you also struggle with this, feel free to adopt these strategies and see if it helps!
Browsing in a shop. When the assistant asks if you need help, say yes please, I’m looking for …..
Asking our partner. Could you please do x, y, z?
Asking a friend to borrow their [insert cool thing here]
By now you may be wondering what all of this has to do with decluttering and organising? Nothing, and everything. It’s an acknowledgement that asking for help in all areas of our lives can be challenging for many of us. If you’re brave enough to put your hand up, help is out there - whether it’s finding gochujang at the supermarket, getting someone else to take the rubbish out, or starting on your decluttering journey.